Inappropriate Camping Methods

I like a lot of things:  Ducks, bacon, camping, skiing, cities, things that have bacon in them, not camping, duck noises, snow, more bacon… you know… stuff.  Some of the things I prize above all others are the things that are ridiculous.  With this in mind I began a mental exercise this week: What would it look like to go camping in the city?  On the flip side, how can you take the city with you when you go backpacking?!  The answers might surprise you.

How to pretend to camp without leaving the city limits:  Leave your window open while you sleep; this will help provide the right atmosphere (especially in December!) and make you never want to get out of bed… even to pee.  Wear a hoodie.  At all times, especially while in bed with the window open.  Make sure your hood is up when you sleep so that when you wake up you think someone is right behind you.  Food preparation is really key; you have to make sure to burn all of your food for that “smoky” flavor.  It is also recommended that you pour small amounts of white gas on it for seasoning.  For bonus points, I suggest eating only prunes for dessert.  Carry a trowel with you into the bathroom, whether you use it or not.  The last thing (and this is key) is to tell everyone what a good time they missed.  It doesn’t matter if you were chased by a bear and had to eat boiled rocks… they missed a great time dammit.

How to pretend you are still in the city whilst you camp: Bringing the internet with you is kind of a hassle, I recommend against it.  Instead you can bring internet behavior and memes with you to make yourself feel more at home.  Start by telling everyone that you’re with that some mountain or other is clearly Photoshopped.  The phrase “I can tell from some of the pixels and from having seen quite a few ‘shops in my time” had better be used.  Eat only top ramen, or cup of noodles; you know you do this.  Shush.  Trails are usually pretty great, but claim that Gmaps would have done routing better.  Check your iPhone every 3 minutes, whether it’s got any battery left, mention to everyone you’re with that the AT&T network totally sucks, your calls are probably getting dropped too.  For the gaming experience, push a friend off of a cliff, teabag his corpse when he is out of “continues”.  This is as close to playing Halo as you can get.


Inappropriate Camping Methods

One thought on “Inappropriate Camping Methods

  1. Tiffany says:

    I had a dream about this once. A bunch of faceless people and I all thought it would be a good idea to go camping in the city. “Day Camping” they called it, because it required participants to sleep during the day and stay up all night. We packed backpacks with food and sleeping bags, nixing the tents because we figured they’d bring too much attention. This lost its glamour when halfway through the day I realized this is the same as being homeless.

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